30 days to change my life

Epilepsy sucks. It really does. I have no license, I can't drink, I have to take medication everyday that makes me feel groggy, and now anytime I go anywhere by myself (either walking or riding my bike) I am scared to death I am going to wake up in the ER again. Another shitty thing is that I hate having to rely on people, I hate having to ask favors, and I hate that I have felt more comfortable lying to people and telling them that I feel great and everything is wonderful instead of just being honest.

What's super frustrating is at the same time, I am a smart girl, and I am aware of how fortunate I am. I have family and friends who are willing to give me rides, willing to listen, and genuinely want to support me. But I have been so unwilling to ask for help. I feel like it will take away some of my independence or it will weaken me. Because of this stubbornness I do dumb things (like walk my bike home 2 miles pissed off with a flat instead of just calling a friend). On top of that ridiculousness, I have started to feel guilty because I know that I am fortunate. I know that it could be worse. There are people even in my life that are struggling with more painful things than this. But up till now, I have been letting the crappy, guilty, no good thoughts take over and I have been miserable. I have found myself either avoiding people or plastering a fake smile on my face and telling everyone everything is fine. .... And it has done nothing for me.

So here we go, I'm gonna pull myself outta this funk and force myself to chipper the f up. Now, I have tried this before-- and it will work for an hour or two, and then I just fall back. This time I have a different plan of attack. I am going to Bikram Yoga the shit outta this Epilepsy. No, seriously, I am looking at my summer and I have nothing but time on my side so I am going to use it wisely. My plan is to challenge myself to 30 days of Bikram in a row. I've done it before, I can do it again, and though I'm not expecting it to actually cure my epilepsy, it will make me feel like I am doing Something. I can feel like I am working towards a goal, and I know that I can sure use the classes not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

There you have it. This is me putting it out there so that my family and friends can help me. Not just with rides-- I've got the bike ride to the studio down, but I know I will need help with accountability, with my persistence, and with my determination. So here goes nothin, if you are reading this, I am asking you to help. Next time you see me, or talk to me- ask how my yoga is going. Make me follow through. And give me something to talk about so I can be real.

fotofun

here are a few photos from our trip. let me put a preemptive warning out there that I am very new to Lightroom, and I probably got a little filter/effect happy, but I am having fun exploring the program and hoping to learn more as I go.

ps- Mandy&Linds: (my best friends who are incredible professional photographers) you might want to skip this post! ;)

Our sweet rides on one of the bridges

The essentials: Coffee and Espresso... sometimes mixed together.

outside our hotel

Handsome Husband

This is him. 

This is just what I do.

Don't mind me.

Gettin the jeans ready for another ride.

Love Happy Socks

Herrrroooooo....

Back

Officially back to our real world. Luke and Troy picked me up from yoga and the three of us are enjoying Pizza and Magnum PI. They had been working on building Troy's new bike. I have to say, it's looking pretty nice so far. :)

Ps- LOTS of photos to come soon.

PDX

Loving it still. We have seen all kinds of weather. Beautiful the first day so we spent most of it out in the sunshine. Yesterday we hid from the rain in the movie theater, and today we are still roaming around, having to dodge the rain here and there.

Portland

Definitely suits us!

Quick pics

Saw Mayer Hawthorne last night with great friends. Had an absolute blast, Dug him so much I had to get a shirt.

We (meaning Lucas) successfully boxed and checked our bikes. Then we stood around carrying our backpacks at the Amtrack station waiting for our train to come in.

It finally came rolling in around 1:00am, just in time for me to climb avoid and fall asleep.

The view is breathtaking. Check out Mt. Shasta. So far I am a big fan of train travel.


(for some reason my pics are outta order-- I'm on my phone, we left computers at home-- editing will occur later)

Post apt..

To sum it up: yes Epilepsy, no MS. I have to be seizure free/and on meds for another 5 months in order to get my license back, as for long term--- I need to keep taking meds, avoiding alcohol, and it's likely that I will not have more seizures. If I do, we'll try different meds, and the last, scariest, resort is brain surgery. (According to Luke, I turned a shade of white when she was explaining the procedures.) odds are in my favor regarding that though-- 2/3's of people with Epilepsy do fine on medication.


Sidenote- I appreciate the hell outta my husband/family/friends!

So I am now going to take a deep breath and pack for Portland.