My happiest day

Yesterday was my happiest day of 2015. It wasn't a Friday, or even a Saturday. It wasn't even a day off. It was a Monday and it was the day after daylight savings. I had a good day work. Not spectacular, we weren't killin it in sales,  but it was good. The connections were real, the conversations authentic, and the commitment to be better was all there. (As someone who never thought she'd be working in retail, and has been working in retail for the last year and a half, that is as good a day as ever for me. I am in my job to connect with people- I am not there to sell stretchy pants. That's beside the point though.)

My other half was fortunate enough to have the day off- something he hasn't had in awhile, and something we haven't had together in a very long while. While texting at lunch I through out the idea of an afternoon ride. Fortunately he jumped on my bait, and plans were set for a ride to Davis after work. I have been itching to be getting longer rides in and with the sun shining and an extra hour- the opportunity was right there. As much as I yawned through my drive home, I knew I needed that bike ride and I couldn't have been more right. Through those 35 miles I absolutely found my happy. 

I hate to admit this... But the truth is- I had lost my happy- not permanently, but for a short while, I was bummed out. Changes (and disappointments) at work, disagreements with loved ones, and an overall feeling of unease and uncertainty had been getting to me. Smiles had been giving way to teary eyes, and I hate that. I want to be happy. I do. It's just sometimes things just happen to make that happy a little harder to find. For example- I know that for me, I need to ride. And damnit I tried. But I had a week where things just were not in my favor. I mean seriously- three separate bike rides- one cut short from a bum crank arm, one from a flat tire, and one from a head over handlebar crash... Are you kidding me? Just give me some damn happy and ease already. 

So on Monday I knew I needed something special. I knew I needed not just to climb back in the saddle, but I needed a long ride. I needed to get out on the road. I needed to feel the familiar burn in my quads and wind on my face. Lucky for me, I have a husband who likes nothing more than to ride by my side. So we decided Davis was our destination. An easy 18 miles out, a quick bite for dinner, and a sweet sunset 18miles back home was on the agenda. It was perfect. It really was. In the most simple way possible, it was perfect. All we did was ride and be. We chatted a bit, but mostly we were just together. Riding and enjoying being outside. It was medicine. Not just for my mood, but for Lucas' as well. I sometimes forget how much my mood impacts more than just me. Because I had lost my happy, so had Lucas. But together, with our legs pedaling, and bugs in our face- we found it again. 

With no lights on our road bikes, our ride was cut short--- I so wanted to hit at least 40 miles, but we decided 35 was enough and headed home. After a quick shower and a snuggle with Bob, we put the road bikes away, and we pulled down the track bikes (equipped with lights) off the wall, and decided to ride more. It just felt so damn good outside. That, and I have been itching to check out Motown on Mondays at one of our favorite midtown spots, LowBrau. I am a sucker for live music- DJ's included. It just lights me up. I even adjusted my vision and goals to reflect how much I enjoy listening to live music. (3+times a month... Psssssh... #crushingit). Motown on Mondays reminded me exactly why I added this element to my V&G's. It makes me feel good. Live music makes most everyone happy. Last night was no different. Almost every single person in the place was bobbin their head, movin their feet, and all the while rockin a huge smile on their face as the tunes played. Luke and I each had two drinks- nothin crazy, but enough to feel special. It was a date. It wasn't planned, it wasn't fancy, but it was us. Sitting side by side. Whispering to each other, smiling, and laughing. Just connecting. Being us. And it was everything I needed. We ended up leaving shortly after 11:00, and were still home in our pj's in bed by midnight. 

I know not everyday is going to be perfect. I know that I need some dark, some disappointments to appreciate the light, the sweet spots. What's wonderful, is that I also know that I am so incredibly fortunate to appreciate the simple things. Monday was definitely simple- a day of work, a bike ride, and a trip to a local bar, and damn that Monday was so sweet.

Lukey enjoying chips and salsa at our dinner spot in Davis.Happy girl in the sunshine. 

Sunday

For the first time since I've started working at lululemon I have Sundays off, and I had completely forgotten how glorious it is. Yesterday with absolutely nothing on the agenda, and a husband that went in to work- I got to have breakfast with dear friends. The best kind of breakfast too, the kind where you are unapologetically still sporting bedhead in your pajamas,  (yet you've already had your first cup of coffee), and the pancakes were perfect silver dollars of deliciousness, and the bacon was just right. Oh man, to live in the same complex as your best friends is really something special. 

Post breakfast I was saying how badly I needed a hobby. I love my job, but sometimes I love it a little too much, and I just need somewhere else to focus my attention. Fortunately, I realized I do have a hobby, one that I can pick up and do anytime. So I switched stretchy pants, added another layer, slipped into my vans, fastened my helmet and out the door on my bike I went. 

It was glorious. Perfect temperature, a little crisp, but plenty of sunshine. I had no destination, but quickly found myself along the river where we had spent all summer- riding bikes, drinking beers, practicing handstands, shooting the breeze and belly laughing. I got off my bike and stared down at the same little sweet spot where we found Bobcat (a significantly smaller, but still as handsome Bob). I looked over my shoulder and saw the grounds where TBDfest took place. I remembered the Ferris wheel rides, the crazy good french fries, dancing to RAC, being in awe over the ballet dancers on stage. Just past that I saw the baseball stadium where we took our dads for Father's Day, also where we went for Lucas' birthday 5 years ago. So many good memories all within eyesight.

I continued on my bike, still no real plan and found myself cruising down riverside by the little place I got my tattoo, by the pizza place we celebrated Valentine's Day, and I rode through LandPark remembering all the runs I had taken through there when I lived above Beatnik. (Ha, that was before I knew about cycling).

 Eventually I found my way back home. At that point I fully intended on surprising Lucas with a pristine apartment. I had already mentally pulled out the rubber gloves, while I was pondering what I was going to have ready and waiting for dinner (not the most common occurrence here).

Well, I should have known better to make a plan, because I received the best text ever saying he was off work. Instead of cooking and cleaning, I ended up spending my afternoon/evening back on the bike. Riding all over town with another girl,  two boys, and a pup in a backpack, I couldn't have been happier.

 

 I still am yet to do a wheelie, or even a track stand, but I have got to be closer than I was before with all the practice I did. Did we end up having the super healthy and cheap homecooked meal that I wanted to make? Nope, not at all. We ate at a greasy/mouthwatering taqueria that happened to be open and it was heavenly. Today I will clean. Tonight I will cook. But from now on Sunday's will be reserved for the good stuff. 

This dorky smile is totally the good stuff for me: 

Choose happy.

Today was not an easy day. There were tears. There was uncertainty, hangry fasting, an iv, an EKG, and a PETscan- not to mention lots of nerve wracking waiting room action. I'll be honest, I felt the bitterness. I felt the anger, the indignation, frustration, and sadness- all driven from fear. But now I feel the gratitude. I feel the love, the happiness, the faith, and hope, the appreciation for the simple things. 

Our day also included a bike ride, red lipstick, cocktails and order of poutine from Ella (because Canada, duh), and at this moment I am in my theater seat waiting on my kind, loving, amazing, partner who is buying us popcorn before we watch Casablanca on the big screen. I can't help but ask, how lucky are we? Clearly, the angst, the frustration has passed. Not permanently, I know, but for now, it is gone. I am truly filled with joy. I know my life is not perfect, but so long as I am able to continually choose love, choose happy, I am grateful. 

 

 

 

 

 

California Spoiled

Perfect daycation for the Coolhands today. We drove over to Oakland, I got to catch up on emails on the way, we stopped for #freecoffeefriday at Bicycle Coffee Co, and took the ferry into the city to see the Keith Haring exhibit at the DeYoung. (Side note, we caught the abbreviated version of the same collection in Paris two ago.) The show was incredible, the museum just gorgeous, and the miles in on our bikes were tough, but so exhilarating. I forgot how freakin hard those hills are to climb, and was exctatic to feel again how worth the work it is when you are flying down them. 

All in all we got about 3 hours of good riding in, 2 hours of thought stirring/conversation starting museum time, two coffee shops, two shared meals, one bike shop, and two beautiful (if not chilly) ferry rides in, lots of kisses, and even more laughs. Now we are snuggled in with Bob and ready to throw on a movie. If only every Friday could be this sweet. Or maybe it can. :)

Delivered by bicycle.

Photo by: Lukehandcool 

 

In line for our first ferry ride.

Lucky kids.

 

Ride time... I am going to be so sore tomorrow. Must ride more.

One of my favorites.

I resisted the urge to mimic.

With the weight of the subject matter it was a nice reprieve to find the love.

From the observation deck.

Gorgeous view of the park. Photo by: Lukehandcool 

 

 Cruising around the park... Market St was a little too crazy for me to be snapping while riding.

Til next time, San Francisco. Photo by: lukehandcool 

 

 

3days short of30

*i have this habit of typing and feeling, and wanting to post, to share, to connect, and then I stop. Instead of share, I hit save. Because it isn't perfect. It hasn't been "edited". I worry about what other people will think. Questions come up- Do I sound too dramatic? Am I over sharing? Shouldn't I be keeping my struggles to myself? Or am I flaunting my happiness?  Will people think I am crazy if they get a peak into my thoughts? And most often, why can't I be more succinct? 

Soooooo many thoughts. Too many. So it sits. It is unshared and it feels as though it is enlarging inside me, starting to consume me as I become anxious to hold it, to keep it there, inside where it belongs for fear of what someone else might think. 

Yuck.No more. This is a new year, new apartment, new decade (for me), and I have new intentions. One of my intentions this year is to care for myself. I don't mean just going to yoga and trying not to GoGirls. I mean really, listen to myself, tune in, give a shit, and take care of me. I deserve it. We all do. It just takes some practice. For me, right now that means to type, to let it out to let go. So here I go. Here is just one of those posts I had hidden away, saved, yet not shared.  Here are my words, as they were when I wrote them, three days shy of 30. 

My heart is full. My head is clear. My body is nourished. I can't decide if I am more sad, relieved, or excited to let my twenties go. I have had a hell of a go in my twenties. They have been full of excitement, fear, adventure, disruption, pride, joy, disappointment, heartbreak, hope, trust, and love. In 10 years I've walked away from a sport that consumed me, had mailing addresses in three different countries, received my MA, had my name on the door of 4 different classrooms and on the schedule of as many yoga schedules. I found my home back in the water, and towards the end, I have finally started to find myself as I am, not as I want to be, not as I think I should be, but as I am. That part has not been easy, and I will continue to find myself through the rest of my life I am sure.

Along the way I have sought love, felt love, struggled to love myself, yet given my love and at times I have given up on love. Fortunately, in my twenties I decided to choose love. I feel that love with Lucas. It's a scorching hot love, passionate and full of fire kind of love. Real and true, and sometimes our love hurts. It is messy and it is hard with edges that catch on sensitive subjects, difficult memories. Other times, our love is soft and intimate, butterflies in the belly love, slow dancing in the kitchen kind of love. One of my favorite times in our love is when it is young and fresh- when our love is long bike rides and midnight giggles. As easily as it can be the fun and games, dominoes and coffee kind of love, it is still the challenging kind of love. We do push each other; we stir feelings and have the hard, yet so worthwhile conversations. It's not easy. It can be maddening at times, but it ours. Mine and his. And I will stroll (or more likely ride) confidently into this next chapter knowing that I have all that I need. In the sure to be tough times, the inevitable scares of the future will not daunt me. I will totally fall off my bike. There will be bumps and bruises, no doubt. But I am enough. I have enough. And I am ready for the downhill, wind at my back, belly laughing, champagne sipping, whole hearted loving that is sure to continue as well.

In sickness and in health.. And in apartment moves.

Sleepless nights and living in limbo are the downside of a delayed move in. Delirious giggles over Thai food and conversations over the endless possibilities of the future make it all worth it. #choosehappiness 

Sidenote- after taking off my shoes for me, Lucas commented on how adult like I am with my matching socks today. If this is what being an adult looks like, I am all for it. 

Surprise Day Off

We thought we were moving in today. Yesterday Luke picked up the keys to our new apartment-- in between him working at the coffee shop and delivering kegs. I came home after a full day of work myself and we looked forward to taking a load and then having dinner with Steve and Steph. Well, we took a load over but were met with an assaulting smell of cat urine in the corner of our hard wood floors. Rough. Not fun. Way past Fabreeze. We are talking soaked in, marinated cat urine. Not cool on any occasion, especially when we have a sweet (male) kitty who has heretofore never sprayed, nor had any accidents. We want to keep it that way.

 We emailed our new property manager and explained that due to the situation our move in process came to an immediate halt. Fortunately, she is awesome and when we stopped by this morning she was there with a worker scrubbing the floors. Though I am incredibly relieved they are on top of it and working for a solve, it would be very easy to be disappointed that we are again in limbo. 

Instead of wallowing, or worrying about something outside of my control, I am committed to enjoying this day off... And staying out of our apartment! We took a drive over to Sun and Soil to have my favorite breakfast, and then rode our bikes over to Insight for a beverage and some hangout time. Currently, lucas is editing photos from our trip to Portland (photos coming soon!), and I am going to sign off and return to reading my current book. Really, I am fortunate. Right now I am nestled in a window seat with my favorite person (at the same place we spent the morning of our wedding day together). We are not going to be sleeping where we wanted tonight, but we'll be sleeping together. For that I am always grateful. 

Sweet Bob Cat- we love you. And we really love that you don't pee on the ground. We also plan on keeping it that way.

Sun and Soil earlier this morning-

New window, same girl- at Insight. Must be something about me and windows...