this thiugh

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60 Steps Up

60 stair steps. I remember carrying Lloyd up every single one. I had to stop midway when my stupid VNS would go off. He would sit and wait for me to catch my breath. Looking up at me with those big brown eyes he was content to sit and wait as long as it took. 

It’s not that he couldn’t do stairs, he just didn’t. Ever since he was tiny, I held him. When he got older and did try to go up stairs he would hit his giant chest on the next step. He was so top heavy, we never wanted to let him go down for fear he would just go barreling down and take someone out. 

So whenever we found ourselves here, I carried his big old self all the way up those 60 steps. My arms burned, my legs burned, and I knew once we got to the top, we'd still be walking up the hill to get home (our neighborhood, Capitol Hill, is appropriately named). But it was always worth it. He loved being face forward leading the way. It made me happy knowing that every.single.person that saw him would smile at him. He just had that impact. 

I just dropped Higgins off at the groomer and walked by these steps. I had to walk all the way down, and then all the way back up. Just to feel it and remember.

I feel sick and so fucked up because I love Higgins, so much. But I would give so much to carry the Big Little Head up just one more time.