December Sunday.

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ground

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don’t forget to breathe or ask for help

splash splash

the cards knew i was soaking under the stars. 

what are your hobbies

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maltese bichon havanese meetup

vday

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.snowboarding.

So much fun until it isn’t. Happy he is home safe and sound, we’ll see what tomorrow brings.

classy

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vomit. this time of the verbal variety.

stuck to a bed. trapped to it really. all four sides are up i've got my computer on my lap, the table is encroaching on me by creeping over my shoulder. every time i try to move it, the wheels get stuck. i am not quite alone, i have a telesitter hanging out with me. it is a massive box, tube, metal thing on wheels that has videocameras and a microphone / speaker. That got rolled in to join me last night because i didn't have anyone staying with me. as though the speaker on the ceiling and the other two cameras pointing straight at me aren't enough. there's also a screen over my right shoulder. i have half a dozen electrodes across my chest that are connected to more or less a utility box that is supposed to sit inside the pocket of the gown i'm wearing, but all it does is yank it. the electrodes cemented to my scalp are grouped by their wires and are constantly tugging on the left side of my head while a portable battery with an emergency button hangs over my neck. i have a phone charger, computer charger, room phone cord, and remote control with a cord all in my personal space as well.  i have my bag in bed with me that haas my planner, face wipes, headphones, sketchbook, fizzy waters. somewhere in bed with me is my kindle too. i feel like a human island who is slowly becoming a robot. or just an old lady crap hoarder who feels the need to have everything within inches of her so she doesn't have to get up. except i want to get up. and i can't. not without pushing a button (i have one on either sides of my shoulders) and waiting for the nurse to come. nothing like waiting for an adult to come help you so you can go potty. 

and i do need help. i need help because if i shift too much weight off this bed a piercing alarm will go off alerting every living being on this floor that something is wrong and presumably i am the cause. 

so i push the button. i wait patiently. and then someone comes to help who is always pleasant and then i do the awkward dance where we both try to untangle my cords / give me enough lead on my leash (let's call it what it is), that way i can shuffle to the bathroom in the shitty antislip socks that i am not allowed to leave the bed without. these socks are just the pits. there's no possible way to make them right. unless right means twisting, turning, sagging, and flapping around my feet. my favorite part is the massive seam that slivers across and in between my toes. absolute favorite. 

on the positive: i didn't come close to barfing from withdrawals today, i had no issues with my iv, i had a surprising and completely unexpected conversation with the chaplain about how i am coping. he asked how i was feeling. i answered that i was feeling a lot. it's true. you can't not. i am being studied like a fish in a bowl. people are watching me in between checking their instagram, eating their lunch, answering emails, and whatever else they may be doing while they, i, we? wait for me to have a seizure. 

i woke up around 4 yesterday and had two sweet seizures. i was so relieved, nay, proud. i was proud of myself because it happened! i had a seizure! i had two seizures! yay, that means i'm not wasting anyone's time or space! yay, i am worth something, this has been worth something. i am worth something,

the pounding head didn't even bother me, i gobbled up my advil.. then remembered i needed another push of zofrin. one can never be too confident these days and i didn't want to lose those before they even absorbed. i was flyin high emotionally, and then it got even better. i was givin one of my favorite little drugs, ativan, but in iv form this time. oh hellllllllllllloooooooo. nighty night. all the earlier horror of needles digging, heaving in a plastic bag, telling two nurses - I AM NOT OKAY RIGHT NOW, all just melted away as i drifted into the smug sweet dreams of someone that came what she was here to do. i had seizures. i didn't waste anyone's time. it was heaven.

until i chatted with the doc and learned why yes i did have seizures. absolutely. the very same ones i told her that i have at home. (i think... i never really know). welp, the joke is on me or maybe all of us because the doc told me unfortunately those were non-epileptic seizures. awesome. super awesome. almost as awesome as these just awesome socks i love so much.

and now, it's 12:45am on Wednesday. i have been listening to a french playlist made for me by a colleague in montreal. it's pretty appropriate to my situation. the specifics are indecipherable. the moods are varied. and it's just there.  i already sent Olivier a slack thanking him. it's tres legit. mais n'est pas trop legit.

and right now, i have a nurse on the way. no time to proof read. just letting all the words out. c'est moi