3days short of30

*i have this habit of typing and feeling, and wanting to post, to share, to connect, and then I stop. Instead of share, I hit save. Because it isn't perfect. It hasn't been "edited". I worry about what other people will think. Questions come up- Do I sound too dramatic? Am I over sharing? Shouldn't I be keeping my struggles to myself? Or am I flaunting my happiness?  Will people think I am crazy if they get a peak into my thoughts? And most often, why can't I be more succinct? 

Soooooo many thoughts. Too many. So it sits. It is unshared and it feels as though it is enlarging inside me, starting to consume me as I become anxious to hold it, to keep it there, inside where it belongs for fear of what someone else might think. 

Yuck.No more. This is a new year, new apartment, new decade (for me), and I have new intentions. One of my intentions this year is to care for myself. I don't mean just going to yoga and trying not to GoGirls. I mean really, listen to myself, tune in, give a shit, and take care of me. I deserve it. We all do. It just takes some practice. For me, right now that means to type, to let it out to let go. So here I go. Here is just one of those posts I had hidden away, saved, yet not shared.  Here are my words, as they were when I wrote them, three days shy of 30. 

My heart is full. My head is clear. My body is nourished. I can't decide if I am more sad, relieved, or excited to let my twenties go. I have had a hell of a go in my twenties. They have been full of excitement, fear, adventure, disruption, pride, joy, disappointment, heartbreak, hope, trust, and love. In 10 years I've walked away from a sport that consumed me, had mailing addresses in three different countries, received my MA, had my name on the door of 4 different classrooms and on the schedule of as many yoga schedules. I found my home back in the water, and towards the end, I have finally started to find myself as I am, not as I want to be, not as I think I should be, but as I am. That part has not been easy, and I will continue to find myself through the rest of my life I am sure.

Along the way I have sought love, felt love, struggled to love myself, yet given my love and at times I have given up on love. Fortunately, in my twenties I decided to choose love. I feel that love with Lucas. It's a scorching hot love, passionate and full of fire kind of love. Real and true, and sometimes our love hurts. It is messy and it is hard with edges that catch on sensitive subjects, difficult memories. Other times, our love is soft and intimate, butterflies in the belly love, slow dancing in the kitchen kind of love. One of my favorite times in our love is when it is young and fresh- when our love is long bike rides and midnight giggles. As easily as it can be the fun and games, dominoes and coffee kind of love, it is still the challenging kind of love. We do push each other; we stir feelings and have the hard, yet so worthwhile conversations. It's not easy. It can be maddening at times, but it ours. Mine and his. And I will stroll (or more likely ride) confidently into this next chapter knowing that I have all that I need. In the sure to be tough times, the inevitable scares of the future will not daunt me. I will totally fall off my bike. There will be bumps and bruises, no doubt. But I am enough. I have enough. And I am ready for the downhill, wind at my back, belly laughing, champagne sipping, whole hearted loving that is sure to continue as well.