I want to explain more, to give insight, to explain how I'm feeling, but right now it's this perfectly even combination of feeling everything and nothing all at once. It's almost as though the positivity I feel is completely balanced by the unfortunate negativity that is clinging to me so I am just blank. Just there balancing in between. I feel it all, but I am struggling to find the words to describe or sometimes even identify what it is that I am feeling. Much of it is frustration, yet much of it is still appreciation and gratitude (for my people, for the love- I feel it), but there is also still there is that annoying presence of my own irritability. Yes, I realize that's like using a double negative in a sentence. But it's true. I am annoyed by my own irritance. I annoy myself right now. I want to just hurry up, knock out a few good seizures and get back to my every day life. I miss Bob, I miss my bike, I miss the store, and lord knows I miss just hanging out with Lucas. Hanging out meaning not just stating at each other with sad or worried eyes, not counting down the hours and minutes until I can go to sleep, not having him have to walk me into the restroom and carry my cords every time I have to pee.
See there I go getting all negative and down. I should be appreciating all that I have. This place is great. The staff is so kind, generous with their time, and genuine in their care. The bed is perfectly comfortable. It adjusts and has new clean sheets, tons of pillows, and I feel as though I am nestled in a little safe space. Which is good. I am grateful for it, I am.
I just don't want to be in a padded bed. I don't want to have strangers coming in my room every half hour to check something, do something, fix something. I want to be able to pee on my own. I want to be able to take my own shower and not have to profusely thank the kind woman for wet wiping me down. I just want to wear an old grimey sweatshirt instead of this pristine, fully functioning and oh so appropriate hospital gown.
Ugh. This is my headspace. So much juxtaposition. This is my experience. Right now I have three beverages on a tray in front of me. I love beverages. I have water, champagne, and coffee. Three of my favorite beverages. They are within reaching distance, provided for my consumption. I want to be appreciative. I want to point out how fortunate I am. How much of a treat it is to have bubbles on a Wednesday morning before 10:00am. Next to that appreciation in my head, sits the awful awareness that the only reason why I am in bed on a Wednesday is because it is a hospital bed. The only reason why I am drinking champagne is because there's a good chance it's going to trigger a seizure.
Fuck that. I mean I like champagne and all, but I just want this to be over already. I've got a sweet little life I need to get back to.
And there's that emotional update I didn't think I had in me. So now ya know.
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