Choose happy.

Today was not an easy day. There were tears. There was uncertainty, hangry fasting, an iv, an EKG, and a PETscan- not to mention lots of nerve wracking waiting room action. I'll be honest, I felt the bitterness. I felt the anger, the indignation, frustration, and sadness- all driven from fear. But now I feel the gratitude. I feel the love, the happiness, the faith, and hope, the appreciation for the simple things. 

Our day also included a bike ride, red lipstick, cocktails and order of poutine from Ella (because Canada, duh), and at this moment I am in my theater seat waiting on my kind, loving, amazing, partner who is buying us popcorn before we watch Casablanca on the big screen. I can't help but ask, how lucky are we? Clearly, the angst, the frustration has passed. Not permanently, I know, but for now, it is gone. I am truly filled with joy. I know my life is not perfect, but so long as I am able to continually choose love, choose happy, I am grateful. 

 

 

 

 

 

California Spoiled

Perfect daycation for the Coolhands today. We drove over to Oakland, I got to catch up on emails on the way, we stopped for #freecoffeefriday at Bicycle Coffee Co, and took the ferry into the city to see the Keith Haring exhibit at the DeYoung. (Side note, we caught the abbreviated version of the same collection in Paris two ago.) The show was incredible, the museum just gorgeous, and the miles in on our bikes were tough, but so exhilarating. I forgot how freakin hard those hills are to climb, and was exctatic to feel again how worth the work it is when you are flying down them. 

All in all we got about 3 hours of good riding in, 2 hours of thought stirring/conversation starting museum time, two coffee shops, two shared meals, one bike shop, and two beautiful (if not chilly) ferry rides in, lots of kisses, and even more laughs. Now we are snuggled in with Bob and ready to throw on a movie. If only every Friday could be this sweet. Or maybe it can. :)

Delivered by bicycle.

Photo by: Lukehandcool 

 

In line for our first ferry ride.

Lucky kids.

 

Ride time... I am going to be so sore tomorrow. Must ride more.

One of my favorites.

I resisted the urge to mimic.

With the weight of the subject matter it was a nice reprieve to find the love.

From the observation deck.

Gorgeous view of the park. Photo by: Lukehandcool 

 

 Cruising around the park... Market St was a little too crazy for me to be snapping while riding.

Til next time, San Francisco. Photo by: lukehandcool 

 

 

3days short of30

*i have this habit of typing and feeling, and wanting to post, to share, to connect, and then I stop. Instead of share, I hit save. Because it isn't perfect. It hasn't been "edited". I worry about what other people will think. Questions come up- Do I sound too dramatic? Am I over sharing? Shouldn't I be keeping my struggles to myself? Or am I flaunting my happiness?  Will people think I am crazy if they get a peak into my thoughts? And most often, why can't I be more succinct? 

Soooooo many thoughts. Too many. So it sits. It is unshared and it feels as though it is enlarging inside me, starting to consume me as I become anxious to hold it, to keep it there, inside where it belongs for fear of what someone else might think. 

Yuck.No more. This is a new year, new apartment, new decade (for me), and I have new intentions. One of my intentions this year is to care for myself. I don't mean just going to yoga and trying not to GoGirls. I mean really, listen to myself, tune in, give a shit, and take care of me. I deserve it. We all do. It just takes some practice. For me, right now that means to type, to let it out to let go. So here I go. Here is just one of those posts I had hidden away, saved, yet not shared.  Here are my words, as they were when I wrote them, three days shy of 30. 

My heart is full. My head is clear. My body is nourished. I can't decide if I am more sad, relieved, or excited to let my twenties go. I have had a hell of a go in my twenties. They have been full of excitement, fear, adventure, disruption, pride, joy, disappointment, heartbreak, hope, trust, and love. In 10 years I've walked away from a sport that consumed me, had mailing addresses in three different countries, received my MA, had my name on the door of 4 different classrooms and on the schedule of as many yoga schedules. I found my home back in the water, and towards the end, I have finally started to find myself as I am, not as I want to be, not as I think I should be, but as I am. That part has not been easy, and I will continue to find myself through the rest of my life I am sure.

Along the way I have sought love, felt love, struggled to love myself, yet given my love and at times I have given up on love. Fortunately, in my twenties I decided to choose love. I feel that love with Lucas. It's a scorching hot love, passionate and full of fire kind of love. Real and true, and sometimes our love hurts. It is messy and it is hard with edges that catch on sensitive subjects, difficult memories. Other times, our love is soft and intimate, butterflies in the belly love, slow dancing in the kitchen kind of love. One of my favorite times in our love is when it is young and fresh- when our love is long bike rides and midnight giggles. As easily as it can be the fun and games, dominoes and coffee kind of love, it is still the challenging kind of love. We do push each other; we stir feelings and have the hard, yet so worthwhile conversations. It's not easy. It can be maddening at times, but it ours. Mine and his. And I will stroll (or more likely ride) confidently into this next chapter knowing that I have all that I need. In the sure to be tough times, the inevitable scares of the future will not daunt me. I will totally fall off my bike. There will be bumps and bruises, no doubt. But I am enough. I have enough. And I am ready for the downhill, wind at my back, belly laughing, champagne sipping, whole hearted loving that is sure to continue as well.

In sickness and in health.. And in apartment moves.

Sleepless nights and living in limbo are the downside of a delayed move in. Delirious giggles over Thai food and conversations over the endless possibilities of the future make it all worth it. #choosehappiness 

Sidenote- after taking off my shoes for me, Lucas commented on how adult like I am with my matching socks today. If this is what being an adult looks like, I am all for it. 

Surprise Day Off

We thought we were moving in today. Yesterday Luke picked up the keys to our new apartment-- in between him working at the coffee shop and delivering kegs. I came home after a full day of work myself and we looked forward to taking a load and then having dinner with Steve and Steph. Well, we took a load over but were met with an assaulting smell of cat urine in the corner of our hard wood floors. Rough. Not fun. Way past Fabreeze. We are talking soaked in, marinated cat urine. Not cool on any occasion, especially when we have a sweet (male) kitty who has heretofore never sprayed, nor had any accidents. We want to keep it that way.

 We emailed our new property manager and explained that due to the situation our move in process came to an immediate halt. Fortunately, she is awesome and when we stopped by this morning she was there with a worker scrubbing the floors. Though I am incredibly relieved they are on top of it and working for a solve, it would be very easy to be disappointed that we are again in limbo. 

Instead of wallowing, or worrying about something outside of my control, I am committed to enjoying this day off... And staying out of our apartment! We took a drive over to Sun and Soil to have my favorite breakfast, and then rode our bikes over to Insight for a beverage and some hangout time. Currently, lucas is editing photos from our trip to Portland (photos coming soon!), and I am going to sign off and return to reading my current book. Really, I am fortunate. Right now I am nestled in a window seat with my favorite person (at the same place we spent the morning of our wedding day together). We are not going to be sleeping where we wanted tonight, but we'll be sleeping together. For that I am always grateful. 

Sweet Bob Cat- we love you. And we really love that you don't pee on the ground. We also plan on keeping it that way.

Sun and Soil earlier this morning-

New window, same girl- at Insight. Must be something about me and windows...

 

More than three years

We have been in the same tiny, "good enough" apartment for more than three years. When we first moved in October of 2011 the thought of month to month leasing appealed to us, and we figured even with the prime location, we'd be here three months tops... Just a quick move to save some money (ridiculously cheap rent), until we find something we liked better. With this short amount of time in mind, we didn't take much care in organizing. I did my usual- stuff it in a closet, boom, that's where it lives (not easy with wedding presents fresh from our July wedding), and Lucas didn't mind much at the time. We started out with my blue beach cruiser and his white fixed gear. The first things on the walls were our wedding photos. That was all we needed. It became our home. One bedroom with a combined living room/dining room/kitchen area was fine. We didn't have room for a Christmas tree (my only concern), but per usual Lucas surprised and delighted me with his craftiness by stringing lights, holly, and sentimental ornaments where he could to make it festive. It worked. It was perfect. Our place was small, but it was ours. The cheap rent was fantastic because it allowed us to save for a European vacation, a trip to Mexico, a trip to vancouver, on top of countless daycations and weekends along the coast. It was perfect... And then we started painting more, and riding more, and just doing more. All of a sudden our closet was stuffed with my coaching clothes, teaching clothes (yoga and kindergarten), various halloween costumes, half dozen sequined dresses, and about a million pairs of furry socks. And that was just my side... His side was also broken up by the various jobs he had- polos from the Sport's Center, his fair share of coaching shirts, snowboard clothes, office clothes, and cycling kits. Between the two of us- we still have more pairs of Van's and more spandex than is justifiable.

We have known a move was eminent. It was needed for us. We have outgrown this space. Where two bikes once lived in our living room, we now have 6. Oversized canvases lean against walls, spray paint cans spill out of a wine rack, and lord knows, my closet has now been taken over by this certain Canadian company that makes incredible stretchy clothes! Plus, we have aquired a three tiered carpeted tree, a litter box, and a carrier for our new furry companion, Bob.

It's time. We found a sweet spot that fulfilled both my needs- bathtub, place to have a beverage outside, and Lucas' needs as well- hard word floors, high ceilings. No laundry, no dishwasher, but space for us to create something new. Space for us to start a new chapter, and of course space for our bikes and Bob. Best of all, it is located in one of my favorite areas in Midtown- it faces our dearest friends, so we can look forward to even more game nights, family dinners, and play times outside. 

As much as I am tempted to dislike this ugly phase of paring down, giving away, packing up, I am enjoying the memories that are washing over me. I am reliving not just the holidays here, but the weeknight dinners, the million cups of coffee, the games played, the laughs had. Moving is work, but it's good work. It would be too easy to stay here, we're ready for change.  

This is our new back yard. Fitting that such a sweet and beautiful shot was taken over summer by our dear friend, Steph, who we'll get to share this space with.

Back to business

This week has been hectic, and relatively exhausting. Going from 6 days hooked up to machines and flat on my back, to back to 8 hour days on my feet in the store was not nearly as easy as I anticipated (turns out, I fancy myself quite the Super Woman-- super powers I have not). Regardless, today is Friday, and I can't not say it, I am in love. 

This morning I woke up early to catch a ride with Luke to the coffee shop. I hung out and tasted coffee while he opened. I had planned on just walking from his work to my work, but he called his pops to give me a lift. Work was good. Tiring, but good. I love my team. I love our store. I love that I get to help train our new people. I get to share with them the magic of our "work".

Post 4:00, the day went from good to great. I got to spend 115 minutes on my yoga mat surrounded by people I really care about (one of whom being my Handsome Mr..... Rocking his purple painted toenails.... Love that guy). There is truly nothing that makes me happier than looking left, looking right, looking in front of me, seeing people I appreciate and knowing we are together in the same space at the same time. 

After yoga we walked home, made dinner, I took a bath, and he sat on the toilet (lid closed!), and just chatted with me while we listened to the new mix tape he's been working on. Meanwhile, Bobcat has been cruising around our tiny place stirring up trouble, or attempting to. This is it. This is the good stuff. At this moment, tears are in my eyes as my thumbs furiously type this out because I am happy. I feel it. I am filled with happiness. I don't know how long it's gonna last, but I have to recognize it while it's here.

During a meeting this week, my boss was sharing about a speaker he heard at the #leadinluon conference. The speaker was talking all about happiness. Through all these studies they found that people who are constantly in search of the next thing, focused on getting to that next place, moving as fast as they can to get to that place, actually get to that place and find themselves unhappy, UN satisfied, restless, and disappointed. I get it. I've been that person; I am trying desperately to stop being that person. I have always had my eye on the prize, I have been focused on my goals, getting there, attaining whatever it that is... And then I find myself needing to search for something new, because- big shock- once I get there, once I get IT, I am not always happy. I am too busy worrying about what comes next.

 Well right now, instead of focusing on wanting to be living in Vancouver NOW, wanting to be working for Ben Jackson NOW, wanting to be on our next big adventure with Lucas and his coffee truck NOW, I am content to be on the ride. I am content to sit on the couch, sip a glass of red wine in my pajamas. Right now, at the moment, life is good. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, (there is a possibility- I will spend part of my day thinking, perhaps worrying about if what I am doing at that moment will get me to where I want to go... ) but for right now, I am right where I need to be, and extremely grateful for all those who are with me along the way. 

Grey on grey. Not at all hot, but so comfortable, and so right now.