30 days to change my life

Epilepsy sucks. It really does. I have no license, I can't drink, I have to take medication everyday that makes me feel groggy, and now anytime I go anywhere by myself (either walking or riding my bike) I am scared to death I am going to wake up in the ER again. Another shitty thing is that I hate having to rely on people, I hate having to ask favors, and I hate that I have felt more comfortable lying to people and telling them that I feel great and everything is wonderful instead of just being honest.

What's super frustrating is at the same time, I am a smart girl, and I am aware of how fortunate I am. I have family and friends who are willing to give me rides, willing to listen, and genuinely want to support me. But I have been so unwilling to ask for help. I feel like it will take away some of my independence or it will weaken me. Because of this stubbornness I do dumb things (like walk my bike home 2 miles pissed off with a flat instead of just calling a friend). On top of that ridiculousness, I have started to feel guilty because I know that I am fortunate. I know that it could be worse. There are people even in my life that are struggling with more painful things than this. But up till now, I have been letting the crappy, guilty, no good thoughts take over and I have been miserable. I have found myself either avoiding people or plastering a fake smile on my face and telling everyone everything is fine. .... And it has done nothing for me.

So here we go, I'm gonna pull myself outta this funk and force myself to chipper the f up. Now, I have tried this before-- and it will work for an hour or two, and then I just fall back. This time I have a different plan of attack. I am going to Bikram Yoga the shit outta this Epilepsy. No, seriously, I am looking at my summer and I have nothing but time on my side so I am going to use it wisely. My plan is to challenge myself to 30 days of Bikram in a row. I've done it before, I can do it again, and though I'm not expecting it to actually cure my epilepsy, it will make me feel like I am doing Something. I can feel like I am working towards a goal, and I know that I can sure use the classes not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

There you have it. This is me putting it out there so that my family and friends can help me. Not just with rides-- I've got the bike ride to the studio down, but I know I will need help with accountability, with my persistence, and with my determination. So here goes nothin, if you are reading this, I am asking you to help. Next time you see me, or talk to me- ask how my yoga is going. Make me follow through. And give me something to talk about so I can be real.